Nun Jokes

Tricking Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

The Christmas Carol of the Birds by Mrs. G. Hall

Do you know, when we are having such good times at Christmas, what sweet music they have in Norway, that cold country across the sea? One day in the year the simple peasants who live there make the birds very happy, so that they sing, of their own free-will, a glad, joyous carol on Christmas morning.

And this is why they sing on that morning more than on any other. After the birds have found shelter from the north wind on Christmas-eve, and the night is still and bright with stars, or even if the storm be ever so severe, the good people bring out sheaves of corn and wheat from their storehouses. Tying them on slender poles, they raise them from every spire, barn, gatepost, and gable; then, when the Christmas sun rises over the hills, every spire and gable bursts forth into joyous song.

You can well believe that these songs of the birds make the people of Norway very happy. They echo, with all their hearts, their living, grateful anthem, "Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace, good-will to men!"

Top 10 signs your partner needs a vacation

1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

THE BLACK PARADE

BLACK PARADE

When I was
A young boy,
My father
Took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said,
“Son when
You grow up,
Would you be
The savior of the broken,
The beaten and the damned?”
He said
“Will you
Defeat them,
You demons,
And all the non believers,
The plans that they have made?
Because one day
I’ll leave you,
A phantom
To lead you in the summer,
To join the black parade.”

When I was,
A young boy
My father, took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, “Son when you grow up,
will you be the savior of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?”

Sometimes I get the feeling, she’s watching over me
And other times I feel like I should go
Went through it all, the rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you’re gone we want you all to know

We’ll carry on, We’ll carry on
And though you’re all dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We’ll carry on
And in my heart I can’t contain it
The anthem won’t explain it

A woman sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all
So paint it black and take it back
Let’s shout out loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

bad dog

haha..bad dog!!

ILLUSION (5)

If you take a look at the following picture , let me tell you it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it.... Weird

ILLUSIONS (4)

You should see a man's face and also a word...
Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'

ILLUSION (3)

Do you see gray areas in between the squares?
Now where did they come from?

Are the purple lines straight or bent?

Are the purple lines straight or bent?

ILLUSION (1)

Is This Possible??

WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

Beautiful Ladies,
HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don't stay because you think "it will get better"
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women..

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up..

Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.* Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...
Even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..
There is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. ..
Look for someone complimentary. ...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted

Never move into his mother's house.. Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phill

You should know that:
You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one.

They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.

Ladies take care of your own hearts....

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)...

You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare..

ILLUSION (2)

ZeroDiet

THE NEW EFFECTIVE SELF-THERAPY FOR LOSING WEIGHT
EVOLUTION OF AURICULAR ACUPUNCTURE

SIMPLE
2 small magnets to be applied to the ear at any time during the day

PRATICAL
It does not waste any of your precious time because it works by itself
without the need to consult doctors or specialised centres

SAFE
There are no contraindications or side effects

VERSATILE
It can be used alone or at the same time as other products or dietary regimens designed for reducing body weight
EFFECTIVE
Makes it possible to lose from 4.1 to 9.8 Kg per month
It is an innovative patented therapy that combines the advantages of valid systems that have already been used in auricular therapy and acupuncture with a technology that is yielding excellent results for WEIGHT LOSS TREATMENT with no effort on the part of the user.

It is well known to medical science that when acupuncture or auricular therapy stimulate certain points on the ear this induces the neurotransmitters to produce endorphins; the same ones what we produce when WE FEEL SATISFIED WHILE EATING.


The ZeroDIET uses two biomagnets made of natural material which, when positioned as described later on, create pressure that noticeably reduces hunger and appetite.
The two magnets used in the ZeroDIET therapy stimulate two neurotransmitters that carry out two activities simultaneously:

the second at the brain level with the production of a particular kind of endorphin that accelerates the satiety process.

and the second at the physical level in the digestive system, giving
the sensation of food saturation and hence causing the
individual to eat less than what would have been eaten
without these stimuli,all achieved without difficulty and effort on the part of the individual.

Tested and recommended by the I.S.I.A.
Higher Institute of Food Hygiene
and by specialised medical centres in the USA and Canada.

Global research on obesity that is not caused by medical disorders attribute the cause of excess weight to overeating by approx. 30%.

Using the ZeroDIET pmagnets will help you to eat from 25 al 39% than what you would have eaten without them, and hence lead to a weight loss of from 3.6 to 5.3 kg. All in 30 days without sacrifices and without following a particular dietary regimen.

The ZeroDIET also be an important aid when following controlled eating regimens or programmed diets, leading in this case to even better results, up to 9 kg of weight loss in 30 days.

The magnets are covered with gold, a precious noble metal, long known for its conductive properties and the fact that it does not cause any kind of allergy.



How to use the magnets

To start the ZeroDIET therapy position the two magnets on the left ear 3/4 times a day for about half an hour at a time, as explained in the attached instruction leaflet.

YOU DO NOT MAKE A HOLE IN THE EAR, and the magnets are able to stay in the correct position by attraction.

The operation should be repeated every day for the first month and then as often as needed.

As you can see from the illustrations, the magnets are of different size and shape. They should be positioned on the front protuberance over the entrance to the ear canal: one on the outside (the smaller one with the hole in the centre) and the other on the inside (the larger one). Just position them so they do not fall off and then after a few minutes they will find the exact position by themselves.
The induced reaction will be a sensation of fullness even on an empty stomach and this will increase at the table or as you open the fridge door, causing you to eat less and hence reduce your body weight.



ADVANTAGES

1. You can easily carry out the therapy alone at home without having to visit doctors’ surgeries or specialised centres.
2. Unlike other systems, you do not need help from other people to carry out the therapy.
3. You do not have to take any pills or potions and you do not need to change your eating habits. There are no electric shocks, no injections, so that you will not experience any discomfort or side effects.
4. You decide for yourself when is the best time of day to use the magnets.
5. There are no contraindications.
6. You do not have to take any time off from your other activities.
7. It costs only 49 euros, which you spend once and for all, because the magnets can be re-used, having a charge that lasts about 100 years.

For further information send an e-mail to info@zerodiet.org
You will find qualified staff who will give
you all the information you need.

You have taken the first step towards losing weight
by entering this website and reading its contents.

Take the decisive step! Order now and in a few days
you will be able to say:

I am losing weight!

What is Torsades de Pointes?

Torsades de pointes, or simply torsades is a French term that literally means "twisting of the points". It was first described by Dessertenne in 1966 and refers to a specific variety of ventricular tachycardia that exhibits distinct characteristics on the electrocardiogram (ECG).

Torsade de pointes is a distinctive polymorphic ventricular tachycardia in which the QRS amplitude varies and the QRS complexes appear to twist around the baseline. Torsade de pointes is associated with a prolonged QT interval, which may be congenital or acquired. It is usually not sustained and terminates spontaneously but frequently recurs unless the underlying cause is corrected and may degenerate into sustained ventricular tachycardia or ventricular fibrillation. Torsade is a life-threatening arrhythmia and may present as sudden cardiac death in patients with structurally normal hearts.

Epidemiology

• The corrected QT interval is longer in the white population than in the black population, and longer in females than males. Therefore torsade de pointes is more common in white races and in females.
• Torsade occurs at any age. If it occurs at an early age, the cause is usually due to congenital long QT syndrome. In later years, the cause is usually due to acquired long QT syndrome.

Risk factors

• Congenital long QT syndromes, e.g. Jervell and Lange-Nielsen syndrome, Romano-Ward syndrome
• Acquired long QT syndromes:
  • Acute phase of acute myocardial infarction
  • Drugs; e.g. antiarrhythmic agents of classes 1a and III, erythromycin, ketoconazole, tricyclic antidepressants, antipsychotics
  • Electrolyte disturbances; hypokalaemia, hypomagnesaemia, hypocalcaemia
  • Metabolic; hypothyroidism, anorexia nervosa, starvation
  • Bradycardia; sinoatrial disease, AV block
  • Toxins; heavy metals, insecticides

Presentation

• Episodes of torsade in patients with congenital long QT syndromes may be triggered by stress, fear or physical exertion.
• Patients with torsade usually present with recurrent episodes of palpitations, dizziness, and syncope. Sudden cardiac death can occur with the first episode.
• Nausea, pallor, cold sweats, shortness of breath and chest pain also may occur.
• Physical findings depend on the rate and duration of tachycardia and the degree of cerebral hypoperfusion. Findings include rapid pulse, low or normal blood pressure or transient or prolonged loss of consciousness.
• Other physical signs depend on the cause of torsade, e.g. features of a congenital disorder.

Differential diagnosis

• Polymorphic ventricular tachycardia
• Monomorphic ventricular tachycardia
• Supraventricular tachycardia with aberrant conduction
• Other causes of syncope or sudden cardiac death

Investigations

• ECG:
  • Paroxysms of 5-20 beats, with a heart rate faster than 200 beats per minute. Sustained episodes are occasionally seen.
  • Progressive change in polarity of QRS about the isoelectric line occurs with complete 180 degree twist of QRS complexes in 10-12 beats.
  • Usually, a prolonged QT interval and pathological U waves are present, reflecting abnormal ventricular repolarisation. The most consistent indicator of QT prolongation is a QT of 0.60 s or longer or a QTc (corrected for heart rate) of 0.45 s or longer.
  • A short-long-short sequence between the R-R interval occurs before the trigger response.
• Electrolytes; hypokalaemia, hypomagnesaemia and hypocalcaemia.
• Cardiac enzymes; rule out myocardial ischaemia.
• Chest x-ray and echocardiography; rule out structural heart disease if any clinical suggestion is present.

Management

Short-term treatment

• Resuscitation
• Defibrillation:
  • Although torsade frequently is self-terminating, it may degenerate into ventricular fibrillation, which requires defibrillation.
  • In an otherwise stable patient, DC cardioversion is kept as a last resort because torsade is paroxysmal in nature and frequently recurs after cardioversion.
• Discontinuation of any offending agent and correction of any underlying cause such as hypokalaemia, hypomagnesaemia and bradycardia.
• Suppression of early after depolarisations:
  • Intravenous magnesium is the drug of choice for torsades de pointes. Magnesium is effective even in patients with normal magnesium levels.
  • Acceleration of the heart rate can be achieved by using beta 1-adrenergic agonists such as isoproterenol or overdrive electrical pacing.
  • Isoproterenol is used as an interim treatment until overdrive pacing can be started:
    • Can be used in bradycardia-dependent torsade that is usually associated with acquired long QT syndrome. It is given as a continuous IV infusion to keep the heart rate faster than 90 beats per minute.
    • Isoproterenol accelerates AV conduction and decreases the QT interval by increasing the heart rate and reducing temporal dispersion of repolarisation.
    • Beta-adrenergic agonists are contraindicated in the congenital form of long QT syndrome.
  • Temporary transvenous pacing:
    • Pacing can be effective in terminating torsade by increasing the heart rate and so reducing the QT interval.
    • Atrial pacing is the preferred mode because it preserves the atrial contribution to ventricular filling. In patients with AV block, ventricular pacing can be used to suppress torsade.

Long-term treatment

• Patients without syncope, ventricular tachyarrhythmia or a family history of sudden cardiac death can be observed without starting any treatment.
• Congenital long QT syndrome:
  • Beta-adrenergic antagonists are used as a first-line long-term therapy in congenital long QT syndrome. Propranolol is has been the most extensively used.
  • Beta-blockers are contraindicated in acquired cases because bradycardia produced by these agents can precipitate torsade. They should also be avoided in those congenital cases in which bradycardia is a prominent feature.
  • Permanent pacing benefits patients who remain symptomatic despite receiving the maximally tolerated dose of beta-blockers and can be used in addition to beta-blockers.
  • High left thoracic sympathectomy is effective in patients who remain refractory to beta-blockade and pacing.
  • Implantable cardioverter-defibrillators (ICDs) are useful in rare instances when torsade still continues despite all of these treatments. Beta-blockers should be used along with ICDs because shock can further precipitate torsade by adrenergic stimulation.
• Acquired long QT syndrome:
  • Long-term treatment in acquired cases is usually not required because the QT interval returns to normal once the predisposing factor has been corrected.
  • Pacemaker implantation is effective in cases that are associated with heart block or bradycardia.
  • Implantable cardioverter-defibrillators are indicated in cases that cannot be managed by avoidance of any specific precipitating factor.

Complications

• Monomorphic ventricular tachycardia
• Ventricular fibrillation
• Sudden cardiac death

Prognosis

• Patients may revert spontaneously or convert to a non-polymorphic ventricular tachycardia or ventricular fibrillation.
• Torsade is a life-threatening arrhythmia and may present as sudden cardiac death in patients with structurally normal hearts. In congenital long QT syndrome, the mortality rate for untreated patients is 50% in 10 years, which can be reduced to 3-4% with treatment.
• In acquired long QT syndrome, the prognosis is excellent once any precipitating factor has been removed.

Prevention

• Avoid offending drugs that prolong the QT interval.
• Prevent predisposing conditions such as hypokalaemia, hypomagnesaemia, and hypocalcaemia, especially in patients shown to have long QT interval.
• Screen families of patients with torsade for whom the cause for prolonged QT is suggested to be congenital.